You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
