You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
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