I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
