I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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