Its a bunch of hippies dancing in front of a stobe light. For ten dollars I could have gone to the strip club and at least had a lap dance
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
did i just pee glitter
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
