What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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