There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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