Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
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