with your own penis?
Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Betty ford says i'm here all night
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
