Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
