When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Randomize
