she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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