We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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