I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize