Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
