you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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