I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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