im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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