is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
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