He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
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Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
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Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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