I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
