Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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