Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Randomize
