so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
