The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
My legs feel like baby dolphins
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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