I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
