mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
