He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Someone shattered a urinal.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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