I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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