apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
