I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
