do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
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