We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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