On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
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...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
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I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
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