my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
