i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
