Cold hands, warm shart.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
