u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
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Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
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