Tell her she can't have a vagina
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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