why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
