I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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