No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
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