I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Randomize
