My balls are so social today.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Randomize
