All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
