Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
