Farmville is her only friend.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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