why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Randomize
