his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
im holly from the hills drunk
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
