my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
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