i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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