I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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