Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
