yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
15 Ridiculous Ways Broke People Managed to Make a Buck
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
These 27 C*ck Blocks Are Savage AF
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS