I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.