I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Randomize
