Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
sarcasm needs its own font
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Randomize
